Anxiety is an jerk, man.
It also leaves me exhausted, and by the end of the day, I just wanna curl up and sleep for like, two days.
Also people are jerks?? The football players literally watched me walk down the hallway in my gym shorts, and proceeded to turn the corner to continue watching me. Thanks, guys. There's nothing more flattering than a bunch of sweaty teenage boys staring at my butt and whistling as I walk down the hallway.
Anyway, Liz and I leave out for Kentucky bright and early tomorrow. I go to Rolex every year with my mom and my aunt Ellen, but I take Liz because I, quote, "have no choice", unquote.
I bring up the anxiety part because it's making me not want to go??? It's my most favorite weekend all year, but I really just wanna stay home and drink tea and read books.
Don't get me wrong, I look forward to this event all year, I guess this year is just kinda hard? I dunno man. I dunno.
Anyway,
Cheers!
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
Long Division
I have an issue with the NC bathroom law.
But then again, I think a lot of people do, especially people who are affected by the law.
My point is, I don't like the law. I've grown up around people in LGBT communities, and I can tell you right now, that they aren't going to "prey" on you in the bathroom. They literally need to pee. That's it. They wanna pee.
And you know what? Maybe they've gotta take a dump, too. Maybe they're the kinda people who are gutsy enough to poop in a public bathroom. Good for them, because I will never be that brave.
In fact, if you ever get the chance to meet a transgendered person, or someone who is nonbinary or genderfluid, then congratulations, because you've just met the bravest and most courageous person you will ever meet. These people have to go up to the people they love, and tell them: "Hey, I'm not the way I was planned out to be. But I'm still the same person you've alway loved and cared for, and I need you to keep doing that."
And half the time, they don't keep doing that.
I say this because there is someone in my life who, while I do want to murder him 150% of the time, is transgender. I've spent my whole life trying to protect him from people who have wanted to hurt him. He's been thrown into sinks and told to "man up" his whole life. Not just by peers, but by teachers, and adults whom he trusted.
Every night, when I go on Facebook, I'll see friends write awful, rude things about how "they need to use the 'correct stalls' or else I'll be uncomfortable." I have to write something. Not to be rude or disrespect their opinion. But because I need them to know that they will hurt someone, because I grew up with someone who just kept getting hurt. Maybe not intentionally, but these ideas and thoughts that trans kids are such "abominations" are going to hurt people. And it might end up being someone close to them.
News flash, kiddos: They've always been there. And they've never hurt you. And you've never noticed them before, because that girl checking her lipstick? She's a girl, just like you. And that guy washing his hands? He's a man, just like you.
More importantly, they're people, just like you.
We're all just a bunch of people. Humans, the most perfectly flawed species that we will never find anything else comparable to. And we need each other.
And when we need someone to be there for us, they're not going to be there anymore, because we're all so divided by race and gender and height and weight and age, and hell, even our political parties.
No one divided us but ourselves.
But then again, I think a lot of people do, especially people who are affected by the law.
My point is, I don't like the law. I've grown up around people in LGBT communities, and I can tell you right now, that they aren't going to "prey" on you in the bathroom. They literally need to pee. That's it. They wanna pee.
And you know what? Maybe they've gotta take a dump, too. Maybe they're the kinda people who are gutsy enough to poop in a public bathroom. Good for them, because I will never be that brave.
In fact, if you ever get the chance to meet a transgendered person, or someone who is nonbinary or genderfluid, then congratulations, because you've just met the bravest and most courageous person you will ever meet. These people have to go up to the people they love, and tell them: "Hey, I'm not the way I was planned out to be. But I'm still the same person you've alway loved and cared for, and I need you to keep doing that."
And half the time, they don't keep doing that.
I say this because there is someone in my life who, while I do want to murder him 150% of the time, is transgender. I've spent my whole life trying to protect him from people who have wanted to hurt him. He's been thrown into sinks and told to "man up" his whole life. Not just by peers, but by teachers, and adults whom he trusted.
Every night, when I go on Facebook, I'll see friends write awful, rude things about how "they need to use the 'correct stalls' or else I'll be uncomfortable." I have to write something. Not to be rude or disrespect their opinion. But because I need them to know that they will hurt someone, because I grew up with someone who just kept getting hurt. Maybe not intentionally, but these ideas and thoughts that trans kids are such "abominations" are going to hurt people. And it might end up being someone close to them.
News flash, kiddos: They've always been there. And they've never hurt you. And you've never noticed them before, because that girl checking her lipstick? She's a girl, just like you. And that guy washing his hands? He's a man, just like you.
More importantly, they're people, just like you.
We're all just a bunch of people. Humans, the most perfectly flawed species that we will never find anything else comparable to. And we need each other.
And when we need someone to be there for us, they're not going to be there anymore, because we're all so divided by race and gender and height and weight and age, and hell, even our political parties.
No one divided us but ourselves.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Poem???
Hey there kiddos I'm going to write a poem yeah here it goes.
Btw RHYMING IS FOR CHUMPS
The crows stopped coming to my father's yard.
Regardless of the crumbs he threw.
He waited and waited.
Yet moments turned to minutes,
And those minutes started growing,
They stretched and ran,
And just kept going.
He threw a bit more
And sat there waiting.
He stayed on his stoop
Like he had never left
Yet
Holy crap I can't write poems someone please stop me.
Anyway, my anxiety is really bad and I don't wanna write Right now.
Cheers
Btw RHYMING IS FOR CHUMPS
The crows stopped coming to my father's yard.
Regardless of the crumbs he threw.
He waited and waited.
Yet moments turned to minutes,
And those minutes started growing,
They stretched and ran,
And just kept going.
He threw a bit more
And sat there waiting.
He stayed on his stoop
Like he had never left
Yet
Holy crap I can't write poems someone please stop me.
Anyway, my anxiety is really bad and I don't wanna write Right now.
Cheers
Thursday, April 21, 2016
I'm running out
I woke up today feeling really weird.
Not really sad or upset, just sort of numb, I guess? I dunno how to describe it. It's not an unfamiliar feeling, but it's certainly not welcome. I guess it's one of those things I just kinda have to wait out.
Anyway, Prince is dead and that's a weird thought.
Yeah that's all I have.
Not really sad or upset, just sort of numb, I guess? I dunno how to describe it. It's not an unfamiliar feeling, but it's certainly not welcome. I guess it's one of those things I just kinda have to wait out.
Anyway, Prince is dead and that's a weird thought.
Yeah that's all I have.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
I have no title for this
Haha I hate the world and the people in it :)
It's been a good day.
Cheers.
It's been a good day.
Cheers.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Monday, April 18, 2016
ABSCESS
WE FIGURED OUT WHY MISTER IS LAME
HE HAD AN ABSCESS WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT
AND IT BURST AT THE BULB OF HIS HEEL
YES
I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW?
THATS IT
CHEER
HE HAD AN ABSCESS WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT
AND IT BURST AT THE BULB OF HIS HEEL
YES
I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW?
THATS IT
CHEER
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Happy
Mister is still lame, I haven't been writing, blah blah blah.
Anyway, I went to Ross today to shop around, and I noticed something potentially life changing.
There was this older woman, in her sixties or seventies maybe. Anyway, I was watching her (because I'm a complete weirdo,) and she held up this pair of pants. They weren't anything super special, just some knee-high coral pink shorts, but the second she got these pants in her hands, her face lit up. She was so happy about these pants. I don't think I've ever seen someone that happy.
I aspire to be that happy about such little, insignificant things.
That is all.
Cheers!
Anyway, I went to Ross today to shop around, and I noticed something potentially life changing.
There was this older woman, in her sixties or seventies maybe. Anyway, I was watching her (because I'm a complete weirdo,) and she held up this pair of pants. They weren't anything super special, just some knee-high coral pink shorts, but the second she got these pants in her hands, her face lit up. She was so happy about these pants. I don't think I've ever seen someone that happy.
I aspire to be that happy about such little, insignificant things.
That is all.
Cheers!
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Ten Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When My Horse Died
Three years ago, when Dicey passed away, I was completely devastated. His death was tragic and unexpected, and since I wasn't really close to anyone at the barn at the time, I didn't really have anyone to go to afterwards for a while. I had just met Liz and Katherine, but at the time, I felt like I wasn't really close enough to them to come to them for consoling. That being said, there's a lot of things nobody told me about losing a horse. In the light of recent events, I'm sharing a few things I learned that I wish I had known sooner.
1. You're going to be really sad for a really long time.
Maybe you'll be sad forever. Everyone is different and everyone grieves differently. The point is, you're going to be sad.
2. You're going to be angry at really weird things.
Your dead horse included. Yes, a little part of you will be mad. It's weird.
3. Don't blame yourself.
Unless you like, intentionally shot or stabbed or poisoned or basically just intentionally harmed your horse, it isn't your fault. It's nobodies fault. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
4. Don't let anyone tell you "I know how you feel"
They may have lost their horse, but they didn't lose YOUR horse. Take their comment as a condolence, thank them for their consideration, but remember that this is your individual, unfortunate experience. No one will ever truly know how you feel.
5. There will be other horses.
It may not seem like it right now, but there is another horse out there for you. Getting another horse doesn't mean you no longer love the horse who passed away.
6. It's okay to cry.
Actually, cry as much as you can. Get it out. Lol jk you will probably cry about it for the rest of your life. But go ahead and cry now because it's going to make you feel better.
7. Life has to go on.
Just because their life is over, doesn't mean yours is. Pick yourself up, dust the dirt and horse poop off, shine your boots and keep walking. There's still so much potential left in your life, too much to spend grieving over something that can't be reversed. It's a hard lesson, but you have to keep going.
8. You're going to have good days and bad days.
Sometimes, you're going to feel fine, others, full of grief and malice, and the rest, numb. There will rarely be days in between, but after awhile, the better days begin to outweigh the bad ones. It takes time.
9. Cling to what you have left.
Grab it and never let it go. Whether it be a halter, or saddle pad, or perhaps something less tangible, like your religion or an old memory, or maybe your horse's nickname or the scar they left somewhere on your body. It doesn't matter what it is. Grab it like it's going to run away from you, cherish it like it's a child of your own blood, embrace as if there's no tomorrow. No one is stopping you.
10. It never gets better.
People are going to tell you, constantly, "Don't worry, it gets better." It doesn't. It never gets any better, you simply learn how to cope with it. Once you've done that, only then you'll begin to build up new walls.
Good luck.
Cheers.
1. You're going to be really sad for a really long time.
Maybe you'll be sad forever. Everyone is different and everyone grieves differently. The point is, you're going to be sad.
2. You're going to be angry at really weird things.
Your dead horse included. Yes, a little part of you will be mad. It's weird.
3. Don't blame yourself.
Unless you like, intentionally shot or stabbed or poisoned or basically just intentionally harmed your horse, it isn't your fault. It's nobodies fault. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
4. Don't let anyone tell you "I know how you feel"
They may have lost their horse, but they didn't lose YOUR horse. Take their comment as a condolence, thank them for their consideration, but remember that this is your individual, unfortunate experience. No one will ever truly know how you feel.
5. There will be other horses.
It may not seem like it right now, but there is another horse out there for you. Getting another horse doesn't mean you no longer love the horse who passed away.
6. It's okay to cry.
Actually, cry as much as you can. Get it out. Lol jk you will probably cry about it for the rest of your life. But go ahead and cry now because it's going to make you feel better.
7. Life has to go on.
Just because their life is over, doesn't mean yours is. Pick yourself up, dust the dirt and horse poop off, shine your boots and keep walking. There's still so much potential left in your life, too much to spend grieving over something that can't be reversed. It's a hard lesson, but you have to keep going.
8. You're going to have good days and bad days.
Sometimes, you're going to feel fine, others, full of grief and malice, and the rest, numb. There will rarely be days in between, but after awhile, the better days begin to outweigh the bad ones. It takes time.
9. Cling to what you have left.
Grab it and never let it go. Whether it be a halter, or saddle pad, or perhaps something less tangible, like your religion or an old memory, or maybe your horse's nickname or the scar they left somewhere on your body. It doesn't matter what it is. Grab it like it's going to run away from you, cherish it like it's a child of your own blood, embrace as if there's no tomorrow. No one is stopping you.
10. It never gets better.
People are going to tell you, constantly, "Don't worry, it gets better." It doesn't. It never gets any better, you simply learn how to cope with it. Once you've done that, only then you'll begin to build up new walls.
Good luck.
Cheers.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
THANKS FOR PLAYING. :(
I didn't post yesterday. Why?
BECAUSE MY FAVORITE COMIC ENDED TODAY.
I've been reading a webcomic called Homestuck for nearly five years now, which seems like nothing compared to its seven year life span. For those of you who don't know, Homestuck is a web-based story about four kids who play a computer game that unknowingly triggers the end of the world. The storyline is unbelievably intricate and undoubtedly witty and intelligent. Today, the comic turned seven years old and a final flash animation was posted to complete its reign.
I was so pumped for the ending. SO PUMPED. Like, Christmas morning pumped.
The flash animation was absolutely gorgeous. I could watch the video a thousand times over. After the nine-minute long video, I was ready for long, witty dialogue and a bow on top to finish off one of the most beautifully written pieces of literature I've ever read.
I clicked the ===> button, heart still races and emotions still ebbing, my adrenaline shot through my body in preparation for the finale.
THE END. ALL THERE WAS WAS THE END. NOTHING.
Do you know how many character interactions we still needed? What about Dave and John, sitting down and talking through their emotions? Dirk and Jake still needed to discuss their feelings for eachother, and how they could have re-developed a healthier, happier relationship. What about Vriska? Is she dead? Doesn't she need to reunite with Terezi? What about Jane? She needs a HUG FROM HER FATHER. And Dadbert needs to adopt all the kids because EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD.
I could go on, but I shouldn't because then I wouldn't stop.
Anyway, Mister is still lame. That's about it.
Cheers?
BECAUSE MY FAVORITE COMIC ENDED TODAY.
I've been reading a webcomic called Homestuck for nearly five years now, which seems like nothing compared to its seven year life span. For those of you who don't know, Homestuck is a web-based story about four kids who play a computer game that unknowingly triggers the end of the world. The storyline is unbelievably intricate and undoubtedly witty and intelligent. Today, the comic turned seven years old and a final flash animation was posted to complete its reign.
I was so pumped for the ending. SO PUMPED. Like, Christmas morning pumped.
The flash animation was absolutely gorgeous. I could watch the video a thousand times over. After the nine-minute long video, I was ready for long, witty dialogue and a bow on top to finish off one of the most beautifully written pieces of literature I've ever read.
I clicked the ===> button, heart still races and emotions still ebbing, my adrenaline shot through my body in preparation for the finale.
THE END. ALL THERE WAS WAS THE END. NOTHING.
Do you know how many character interactions we still needed? What about Dave and John, sitting down and talking through their emotions? Dirk and Jake still needed to discuss their feelings for eachother, and how they could have re-developed a healthier, happier relationship. What about Vriska? Is she dead? Doesn't she need to reunite with Terezi? What about Jane? She needs a HUG FROM HER FATHER. And Dadbert needs to adopt all the kids because EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD.
I could go on, but I shouldn't because then I wouldn't stop.
Anyway, Mister is still lame. That's about it.
Cheers?
Monday, April 11, 2016
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Spring Cleaning
I spent all day cleaning and organizing.
And you know what? I feel accomplished.
It took literally hours. I replaced old boxes in my room with a desk and a little craft space. I took ribbons off my curtains and put them on yarns stringed across my walls. I finally unpacked my bags from my vacation last year. I feel really good.
I also never got around to going to the barn to check on Mister, which is a bad thing. I have no idea if he's still lame, and we have a show on Wednesday and we need to figure out if I can go or not. Also, the show is USEF recognized, and that's super cool.
Also I hurt my ankle somehow???
Yeah that's it. Cheers!
And you know what? I feel accomplished.
It took literally hours. I replaced old boxes in my room with a desk and a little craft space. I took ribbons off my curtains and put them on yarns stringed across my walls. I finally unpacked my bags from my vacation last year. I feel really good.
I also never got around to going to the barn to check on Mister, which is a bad thing. I have no idea if he's still lame, and we have a show on Wednesday and we need to figure out if I can go or not. Also, the show is USEF recognized, and that's super cool.
Also I hurt my ankle somehow???
Yeah that's it. Cheers!
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Friday, April 8, 2016
Poines and Colons
Liz tried out more ponies today!
She is now lying on my couch with her toes shoved up under my legs, complaining about her colon(???) hurting??
Anyway, she rode a retired Rolex star named Smokey, but he was a big ehhh? He was also super old? Like 26 old? He was cool, but he also seemed to refuse a lot?? I don't know I thought it was a bit iffy.
Then she tried out this thoroughbred named Juliet. She also just kind of casually jumped a 3'6" oxer. Liz seemed to like her like a ton so I think she might be coming to the barn?
Anyway, the barn Juliet is at is also my old horse Chesnee's barn, so I obviously had to visit him. He's usually pretty unpleasant to be around, but he seemed to recognize me and was actually really happy to see me? I don't know. I also took a bunch of pictures of bunnies and evil ducks and random pieces of wood and long story short I might get a new cat!??!
Anyway, cheers!
BUT FIRST, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS:
I'M BACKQKQK!!!!!!!!! So new fun fact about Ava! When she sings she sounds like she should be in an opera and she can also play some awesome tunes on the ukulele! Its quite unique actually! She is definitely one of a kind. She just looked at me and said, "Sup. I'm scared because you are looking at me weird you ***************************."
My intestines feel like they are tied in a knot :( HELPPPPPPPP
She is now lying on my couch with her toes shoved up under my legs, complaining about her colon(???) hurting??
Anyway, she rode a retired Rolex star named Smokey, but he was a big ehhh? He was also super old? Like 26 old? He was cool, but he also seemed to refuse a lot?? I don't know I thought it was a bit iffy.
Then she tried out this thoroughbred named Juliet. She also just kind of casually jumped a 3'6" oxer. Liz seemed to like her like a ton so I think she might be coming to the barn?
Anyway, the barn Juliet is at is also my old horse Chesnee's barn, so I obviously had to visit him. He's usually pretty unpleasant to be around, but he seemed to recognize me and was actually really happy to see me? I don't know. I also took a bunch of pictures of bunnies and evil ducks and random pieces of wood and long story short I might get a new cat!??!
Anyway, cheers!
BUT FIRST, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS:
I'M BACKQKQK!!!!!!!!! So new fun fact about Ava! When she sings she sounds like she should be in an opera and she can also play some awesome tunes on the ukulele! Its quite unique actually! She is definitely one of a kind. She just looked at me and said, "Sup. I'm scared because you are looking at me weird you ***************************."
My intestines feel like they are tied in a knot :( HELPPPPPPPP
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Panic Attacks :)
Nothing is important today, except for the simple fact that my anxiety got the best of me.
By that, I mean I had a full on panic attack in the middle of my art club. Like, hyperventilating and sobbing and collapsing to the floor. You know, the whole shabang.
It was really bad. I'm not going into detail on what triggered it, but that the end of the day, I'm pretty embarrassed/exhausted. I have panic attacks all the time, but they're never that bad, neither are they ever in public.
The part that bugged me about it, was that my brother was with me. As a bit of background information, whenever Lou has a panic attack and I'm there for it, I also help him through it, always.
The second I hit the floor, I hear Lou say "what's wrong?" and then I saw him just stand there for a bit, and then walk away. He walked away while I was having a panic attack. Like, full on just decided to go back about his business.
I guess I'm just a little pissed? I shouldn't be, but I definitely am.
Anyway, Liz is trying out three horses tomorrow, so I guess I'm going with her.
Cheers.
By that, I mean I had a full on panic attack in the middle of my art club. Like, hyperventilating and sobbing and collapsing to the floor. You know, the whole shabang.
It was really bad. I'm not going into detail on what triggered it, but that the end of the day, I'm pretty embarrassed/exhausted. I have panic attacks all the time, but they're never that bad, neither are they ever in public.
The part that bugged me about it, was that my brother was with me. As a bit of background information, whenever Lou has a panic attack and I'm there for it, I also help him through it, always.
The second I hit the floor, I hear Lou say "what's wrong?" and then I saw him just stand there for a bit, and then walk away. He walked away while I was having a panic attack. Like, full on just decided to go back about his business.
I guess I'm just a little pissed? I shouldn't be, but I definitely am.
Anyway, Liz is trying out three horses tomorrow, so I guess I'm going with her.
Cheers.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Rice
Mister is still lame. I decided to cover all of my bases, so just to be safe, I decided to not only soak his hocks in liniment, but also pack his hoof in case it's an abscess.
Also, in my geography class, we had to draw pictures of how rice was prepared (why??) for our Eastern Asia unit, and as a joke I drew a bunch of poorly drawn anime people with uncharacteristically large butts. My student teacher found great humor in it.
I'd write more, but I'm at my dad's and I don't feel like it.
Cheers!
Also, in my geography class, we had to draw pictures of how rice was prepared (why??) for our Eastern Asia unit, and as a joke I drew a bunch of poorly drawn anime people with uncharacteristically large butts. My student teacher found great humor in it.
I'd write more, but I'm at my dad's and I don't feel like it.
Cheers!
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Lame
Mister has decided to become lame again. It's probably just an abscess, but I can't help to worry. He's never lame. Ever.
Anyway, my friend Melissa let me ride her big Danish (possibly Dutch?) warmblood, Winston. He's big and couch-like, but fancy, nonetheless.
He's the kind of horse who can clear a 3'3" oxer from a trot with room to spare. And that is exactly what we did.
Anyway, yeah that's it.
Cheers!
Anyway, my friend Melissa let me ride her big Danish (possibly Dutch?) warmblood, Winston. He's big and couch-like, but fancy, nonetheless.
He's the kind of horse who can clear a 3'3" oxer from a trot with room to spare. And that is exactly what we did.
Anyway, yeah that's it.
Cheers!
Monday, April 4, 2016
Pictures from Schooling
I have the worst headache right now from school.
In the meantime, my lovely friend Liz took pictures during the show (and more importantly, cross country schooling), so here they are.
In hindsight, I should have shortened my stirrups A LOT, so my position looks super sloppy.
Cheers!
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Results
I am back from the CT. And I want to die.
Why?
I am SO SUNBURNT IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
Anyway, the show went very well, despite some turmoil at the beginning of the day. Dressage went well, we actually somehow snagged first out of like, 11 or 12 other people. Show jumping could have gone better, but the arena was really poorly lit and we had some refusals. We still managed sixth place, though.
Afterwards, we went cross country schooling, and Mister was actually very bold up to everything. Banks, ditches, logs, coops, it all really just didn't phase him. He's only done cross country one other time, so I'd say cross country was a big win.
Anyway, I'll probably have more pictures next time because Liz and her sister took a bunch of super nice pictures.
Why?
I am SO SUNBURNT IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
Anyway, the show went very well, despite some turmoil at the beginning of the day. Dressage went well, we actually somehow snagged first out of like, 11 or 12 other people. Show jumping could have gone better, but the arena was really poorly lit and we had some refusals. We still managed sixth place, though.
Afterwards, we went cross country schooling, and Mister was actually very bold up to everything. Banks, ditches, logs, coops, it all really just didn't phase him. He's only done cross country one other time, so I'd say cross country was a big win.
 |
| I have no pictures of him actually collecting |
 |
| Like this one look how hollow we are |
 |
| His face makes up for it |
 |
| God he is so freaking cute |
 |
| Like AHHHHH |
Anyway, I'll probably have more pictures next time because Liz and her sister took a bunch of super nice pictures.
Cheers!