Ah Yes. A Recipe.

I'm highkey writing this in my study hall period. I mean, hey, why not.

Today is my first day back in school after Thanksgiving break, and I'm already super stressed out. Last friday was optional to attend because of the smoke around town since there's a wildfire going on up north, and I didn't go because I was sick and the smoke was making it worse. Anyway, apparently I missed a test and my teacher threw in a zero in the grade book and it's like???? You're bugging out my grade????? Just leave it blank until I get a chance to do it?????

I also have a project due on wednesday that I thought was due friday and I'm freaking out because I haven't started on it. I also had all month to do it, so I'm not really allowed to complain.

I've also been trying to watch a bunch of Avett Brothers videos and take notes on Scott's banjo playing, but the camera angles are always wrong and it's kind of making me sad. Like, Scott, Seth, I love you guys, but I don't want close-ups of your faces. I want close-ups of your chording and picking. I wanna be able to play your songs correctly.

On that note, I'm really digging playing the banjo. Like, I'm enjoying it way too much. It's just a neat instrument.

On a not-good note, Klepto has been missing for a few days now. He's not one for sticking around, but we're worried. He always comes home at night.

I also tried to make the ultimate leftover Thanksgiving sandwich yesterday. I wanted to throw up.
Anyway, here's how you make that mess:

1. Get bread. Bread is key in sandwich making. Without it, it would just be a salad. No one likes salad.
2. Microwave chunks of turkey. Don't go cold turkey on me. Or do, if you're into that.
3. Burn yourself taking the turkey out of the microwave. Turkey chunks do not take 2 minutes to heat up.
4. Drop the plate while getting the turkey out. Scream profanities.
5. Repeat step 2. 30 seconds this time.
6. Heat up some gravy.
7. Burn yourself on that, too, but this time don't drop it. Careful, that's god's work right there.
8. Shred up the turkey like barbeque. Eat half because you have no self control.
9. Soak turkey in gravy. Lay that stuff down like a baby in it's crib onto your bread. Or just put it on the bread. It doesn't have to be that dramatic.
10. Throw some cold cranberry sauce on top of it.
11. Entirely too much cranberry sauce.
12. Mashed potatoes. Sure, that sounds like a good idea.
13. Eat half of the potatoes prior to heating them up.
14. Put that on there too.
15. Mac and cheese? Are you sure? Okay, if you say so. I don't think that'll mix with this all very well. Okay, okay, sorry, I'll take your word for it. Sheesh, don't get so salty.
16. Throw mac and cheese on there I guess.
17. Blanket that monstrosity with other piece of bread. Just roll with it.
18. Declare it the best sandwich ever before eating. Say that "If you get a heart attack from eating it, it'll at least be a tasty heart attack."
19. Eat it.
20. Follow up first bite with. "Oh. I mean. Um. It's, it's fine. It's fine."
21. Try to eat it anyway. Come on, you got this.
22. End up dissecting it and just eating the turkey. Gag a little when you see the innards.
23. Give to dogs.
24. Watch dogs reject it.
25. Cry

Maybe keep some Tums nearby and maybe a spit bucket if you try this.



I seriously need to go to guidance and change my schedule for next semester. Definitely forgot to sign up for theater. I don't know what I'll do if I go a year without theater.

I highkey cannot breathe out of my nose today, and I think everyone thinks I'm crying. Oh well, I guess.

This post is so scatterbrained. I'm so sorry.
Hah no I'm not.

I have one calf that's slightly larger than the other and it freaks me out.

Glutton Turkey Day

I super hate Thanksgiving. Actually, here in the Thompson household, we didn't even do Thanksgiving today. But you know what? I don't feel like talking about that right now.

My depression has been super bad the past few days. I mean, it's usually not too good, but it's been especially bad lately. I had a bunch of really bad dreams last night. I think they were supposed to be happy, but they just ended up being depressing. Really, really depressing. I think the dreams were supposed to give me some sort of closure, but they just made me wish the closure was real??? Dude I don't know but my subconscious has got to chill out.

Also, my banjo is giving me some gnarly calluses. Like, jesus they hurt. I really only know how to play Avett Brothers songs on it, but I'm chill with that. I mean, most of their songs has banjo in them, anyway. It's fun, though. I like banjo-ing. That's definitely a word now.

My life right now, besides having upsetting dreams and getting gross finger callouses from my banjo, I'm just sort of dragging through every day. The only thing I look forward to is SNL at the end of the week. It's my light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, my trainer's dog Sue had to be put down like, a week ago, and I meant to write about, but honestly I can't even convince myself to get out of bed in the morning. I'll get to it one day, Sue.

Boy am I bored of writing depressing entries. This is sort of my only outlet for how I'm feeling. My therapist says I need to keep a journal on how I'm feeling, and I think I already kind of do that with my blog???

I dunno though. I feel like I'm just sort of bottling up my feelings and I'm probably just gonna explode and cry and break down any minute. But probably not, because I don't want to make anyone put up with that.
So I'll just break down by myself and it'll be a good time.

Even then, I don't really have anyone to cry to, because no one really talks to me. I say this all the time, but I'm really, really lonely. And it kinda makes me wanna cry. But I'm not gonna, because I don't like crying-slash-actually displaying emotion. But like the bad dream I had last night ^, it made me realize that I seriously don't really have anyone right now.
Maybe that's okay. Maybe I wasn't ever meant to have any super-close friends. People have never really worked out for me. Maybe this is my punishment for ever getting close to someone. Nothing lasts forever. I especially should know that. Not even best friends. Especially best friends. I don't think best friends exist.

My therapist calls me a young Robin Williams, and I don't know if I should be flattered or concerned. Flattered because he one of my heroes, concerned that she's comparing me to a man who was addicted to heroin and cocaine and suffered from severe depression that ultimately killed him. So yeah, thank you, therapist lady.

I guess that's my life right now. It's all super depressing when I read it back over. But who cares? Depressing entries are depressing. I swear I'll post something fun one day. Maybe.

Scourge

So I got a banjo the other day. Which is great, and I love it, and I haven't really put it down since I've gotten it.

But this morning, I walked into the living room with it FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND.

Long story short, I hate Ms. Pickles and Morton.

I say this with full seriousness. I want to throw one of them out into the wild and just let him undomesticate himself and never come back.
I am talking about Morton. He's an ass and I hate him a lot. Every morning, he finds a way into my room (even with my door closed) and screams until I let him out. But whenever I go to open the door, he takes off under the bed and starts screaming again.

I mean, I can't even tune my banjo, that's how mess up it is. I got this things on saturday. SATURDAY. And it's already messed up. I'm pissed as hell.

Big-Girl Face

Alright y'all. I'm putting my big-girl face on for a moment.

If you have an issue with me, AT ME. I ONCE AT TWO FROZEN HOT POCKETS ONCE. I'M RIPPED. Seriously though. Don't be weird. Tell my ugly face. It's heard worse. If you post crap on social media about me, maybe don't because I only check social media like, once a week, so I'm gonna be late for some sly come back. And that'll be embarrassing. For me, and also you, because YO BUHONKUS IS STILL GON GEET BURNT. No probably not I'm not that great with come backs. I'll probably just make some obscure reference to something and you'll probably just be super confused.

Also, adding to that:
Yo. Straight white people. You don't get to decide that Trump being the president-elect isn't a big deal. He's not gonna mess with you. The people he's gonna ruin the lives of are the people who get to decide that. I'd give you a middle finger, but I'm on a computer and I can't do that.
And it's less of what Trump SAYS he'll do, and more what his crazy-a$$ supporters are gonna do. Or what they've already done.
Seriously though, you guys have everything handed to you on a silver spoon. Trump is gonna make that spoon gold for you guys, and he's gonna trade in our plastic utensils for pieces of paper we gotta cut into vague spoon-shapes. So no, maybe don't decide that for us. You already dictate everything else in this world.

Anyway, I might be sick because I have a super scratchy throat and I'm lowkey freaking out??? Like, I don't have time for this????

Also, possibly gonna get a banjo on saturday. Maybe.
I've had my ukulele for like, 4-5 years now. There's only so much you can do.

Okay I'm gonna cut this baby off here.

A Weekend Update with Ava and Also Still Ava

I just came back from a horse show a few hours ago that I've been at since Friday. I want to die.

I say this because I am actually super freaking exhausted. I wanna sleep for three days.

The show itself was okay. Saturday went better than today, although today felt more satisfying? Yet still kind of awful?

TL;DR: Saturday I had two successful rides, but I knew what I could have improved on and it's bugging me.

Sunday I highkey thought I had more time before my first class and actually MISSED MY EQUITATION CLASS trying to get dressed, and my jumping class was actually going perfectly until I MISSED THE LAST JUMP ENTIRELY. But up until then, my jumping round just felt like it was going really well.

But overall, I am tired and I wanna go see Mister. He's getting his hocks fused soon so I won't be able to ride for 4 months, so I guess I'm gonna just have to chill out until then.

While fusing his hocks will hopefully fix some problems, not being able to ride for 4 months means I won't be able to go to this Christmas show in December that I go to every year piously because it was my last show with Dicey before he died. Maybe he'll be clear to do walk-trot classes. I dunno. Maybe I can just take him and do halter classes just for fun. But I gotta do that show.

Also, no, I'm still not happy with the election and I probably will never be, but I'm not gonna fight it with hatred. Ignorance cannot stop ignorance. So if y'all are gonna be mean and salty, go for it. I'm not gonna try to stop you anymore. 

Actually, if anyone tries to criticize me for not liking Trump or supporting Hillary, I'm gonna kindly disagree with their gross opinions and then compliment them. Yeah. That's right. I'm gonna compliment them. 

And then I'm gonna DAB ON EM THOMPSON BU-URN.

That wasn't a burn, but I have Kate's impression of Ruth Bader Ginsburg stuck in my head. Not that I have any objections to that.

Also, I knew Kate could sing, but Jesus Christ did I wanna cry when she sang on SNL last night.

I saw you crying, Katie. I don't like hugs, but I will hug you for hours and hours and hours if need be. I got you, boo.

Okay I'm gonna go shop online for things I can't afford.

A PSA to the Orange Man in the Oval

I've never been more disappointed in my country.

America has chosen themselves over others. They have chosen the past over the future. They have chosen hate over love.

And I am scared. An election that never registered to me as a serious threat has become my worst nightmare. An office that once held a man who opened new doors, let light through, is now an office that will harbor deep hatred and unjustified arrogance.

Trump personifies everything America has under sheets. Racism, bigotry, homophobia, xenophobia, sexism, patriarchy, greed, ignorance, lust, deceit. In a country that I trusted would fight against the discrimination, I am only disappointed that it has jumped at the opportunity to rip the sheets off.

This being said, I expect nothing good to come out of this presidency. And much like millions of others, I am terrified.

And with my last sliver of hope ripped from my hands, and admittedly, after hours of tears, my head is held high.

Yes, I am disappointed. I am angry. I am resentful. I am scared. But Donald Trump is not my president. He may stand proud in office, but he will never have my respect. If I come to him, face to face, I will bite my thumb.

So a message to Donald Trump and Mike Pence:

Whatever you do to this country, whatever hatred or fear you instill in our hearts, you can't stop us. You may think you have America on your side, but there's still that handful protesting your "leadership" that will be a thorn in your side for the next four years. We will come out fighting, kicking and screaming. We are a force to be reckoned with. We will stand united, and we can stand without you. Do not doubt that for one second.

So enjoy your next four years in office. We're about to raise hell for you.

Please Kill Me.

This is it. We are screwed.

And since I plan on putting this sucker out on Facebook, I'm giving y'all the rundown here.

If you voted for Hillary: Thank you. A thousand times, thank you.

If you voted for Trump: Screw you.

"Ava, why do you say such mean things?" BECAUSE I GOT A LIST OF THINGS THAT TRUMP HAS DONE THAT SHOULD COMPLETELY UNQUALIFY HIM FOR EVEN EXISTING.

When you vote against Trump, you vote against women. You vote for Trump, you vote against people of color. When you vote for Trump, you vote against LGBT+. When you vote against Trump, you vote against me. A female, a half-latina, a lesbian. You vote for Trump, you put my life in danger. You put thousands of people's lives in danger. And I'll tell you right now, voting for Trump is the least patriotic thing you can do.

I wanna get married some day. I wanna grow old with someone. I wanna have a successful job one day. I share the same dreams as everyone. As you, as your neighbor. Trump wants to take this away from us.

I don't care about Hillary's emails.
I don't care about what anyone has done. I'm scared of what Trump will do.

If Trump wins, I don't want to live in America anymore.

I TIRED

I have today off! Yay!

Election day feels like Christmas, but a Christmas that could go very terribly wrong. Like, basically kill off all of America as we know it wrong. It's even scarier when you're not allowed to vote, and you're basically putting your future in the hands of racists and homophobes.

So yes, I am scared.

In the meantime, I'm researching banjos. I'm lowkey in love with Deering, but Gold Tone would be cool, too.
Jesus it's too early to be writing a blog right now. I can't make words.

I'm gonna stop here, but I'll post again later I swear.

Broken.

I am terrified of this election on tuesday. Like, I'mma piss myself terrified.
Also, I got some sick fingerpicks yesterday and I can't stop playing with my uke. I can shred a ukulele with fingerpicks. I can play every song I've ever wanted to with fingerpicks. I can play my dad's friend's banjo with fingerpicks. I can still use my phone without taking my fingerpicks off.
This is it. I've become invincible.

Y'all. I can shred a ukulele. I can die happy.

But not before I get my banjo.

Once I get it, I'm gonna post a video of myself playing it on Twitter. Or maybe all of my social media platforms. And I'll tag The Avett Brothers in it. I'll caption it:

"@TheAvettBrothers Hire me. I work for half-hearted accolades and slices of apple. I can also shred a uke."

My ideal response would be:

"Resume?"

And I would write:

"I once ate two frozen hot pockets, a tootsie roll with the wrapper on, and I can lick my elbow."

From there, I will become an honorary Avett. We'll go on cool adventures. It'll be great.

Guys I'm really lonely.

I accidentally dropped my Chromebook just now and it magnified everything and it might drive me insane. It's super big and I might have broken my Chromebook.

I'm gonna end things here because I don't wanna look at this.

Without Much Regard

My hair is brown again.
Blonde was fun, but it's high maintenance and I am a low maintenance person. I'll suffer through the grey hairs as they come.

It's been a tough week, and I honestly wanna lie down and zap out of existence right now, but instead I'm on the couch eating a cup of Mac n Easy.
Scratch that, staring at an empty cup of Mac n Easy.

But I have an after halloween party tomorrow night, and I already spent an hour and a half convincing myself to do my nails. I can't say no now.

But seriously, though. It's been a rough couple of days. I've caught myself speaking to people with no actual regard for who I'm talking to, or without any reason for my conversation, if that makes any sense. I don't know, man. Emotions are weird. I don't even really have any right now. It's like, some days I just wanna cry for hours on end but I can't?? Wtf, brain?? That, and I've lost interest in basically everything I've ever loved or enjoyed, so that's a bad thing. I dunno, I've always had these issues, but I feel like now that I know I have depression, I seem to dwell on it.

My dad and I are also going to go look at banjos tomorrow. I've always wanted to play banjo.

Also, I miss people. Or maybe I miss having people. I dunno, but I'm lonely. God am I lonely.

This all sounds really cheesy and terrible, and I'm kicking myself for making this blog with the intentions to make people laugh, when I'm actually just using it as a diary sort of thing. Maybe I'll draw some pictures one day. Or finally fulfill my shower story promises. Maybe one day.