End of Year One

Today was my last day of school. I finished off my last exam with a 91 and headed home with smile on my face because honestly screw school.

That smile didn't last very long, though.

This summer is might be bringing about the biggest changes in my life up to this point. My brother is moving to a new high school, so the next three years of high school are going to be faced alone. Our beach condo is being worked on all summer, so I won't be going on vacation. The old dairy farm next to my neighborhood might be torn down this summer, and if it's turned in apartments or dorms (like every piece of land in this stupid town) then hell knows what we'll do. The college students in my town are insane, and I don't want to deal with that kind of traffic next year, considering I'll be driving starting in three weeks. Another thing: I'm going to start driving this summer.
I feel old.

I don't know if I want to change. What if something happens, like, bad happens?
I don't like change.

I don't think I like growing up. Because, that's all that's really happening. I'm growing up, and  everything around me is, too.

I've spent all my summers barefoot, galloping around bareback on my little mare, Maddie, biking down the big hill to the neighborhood pool. Roasting marshmallows in the bonfire with my dad, listening to The Avett Brothers being washing out by the sound of cicadas and peepers. Playing tag with Lou and my cousin Travis in the dark, catching  fireflies, only to let them go mere seconds later. Catching peepers with my best friend Dez, camping in tents, regardless of the elements or the scary noises going on right next to your tent. Strawberry cakes on my birthday, picking  blueberries and blackberries from my front yard, romping around in the woods. Spraying each other with the hose out in the yard. Being kids.

I miss that. I miss that a lot. I haven't done any of that in years, of course, because of divorces, separations, and loss of interest. And, obviously, maturity.

My worst fear growing up was growing up.
And my worst fear has become my reality.