sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry

I'm skipping school to go to the funeral tomorrow. Or, today, since I'm writing this in the middle of the night. I don't really have time to write it at any other time.

Since it's almost 1 in the morning and I don't talk to anyone all day, I'm gonna vent. I'm here to tell you that right now. Right here. It's happening. I'm sorry. It's been a weird week and I have no one else to talk to. Do you know what that's like? It's not a good feeling.

I'm like, at least 80% sure I'm just, like, never going to graduate high school. I can't get it together. I don't have the attention span to memorize anything. I don't sit still long enough for my teachers to think I'm actually trying. I'm a failure and I'm just going to have to live with that I think. My two biggest fears in life is to lose everything and everyone and to disappoint anyone who's left. I feel like I'm slowly moving toward those two categories for some reason. My life feels completely and totally out of control and I don't know what to do. I kind of think I'm broken, sometimes. I bring it up to people who can do something about it, and they don't do anything. They treat me like I'm broken, but don't try to fix it. The only sense of control I have in my life are my habits and mannerisms and things like that, but they're all compulsive at this point and just make things worse. Part of me wants my name to be known, but the other part of me knows that half the people I grew up with don't even remember my name. I want to go to a big, prestigious college, and do something important, just like my brother is going to such an important high school and is probably going to go on and do cool things, but I can't even remember what a monomial is. Hell, I can't even read correctly half of the time.
I am a failure. I thought I was okay with it, but I'm really not.

Venting over. Never again. Pretend I didn't do that.

I'm gonna go decide whether or not I'm just going to stay up tonight or try to get a few hours in. Or maybe, I'll just sit there for hours trying to make up my mind, not realizing it's already too late.

Cheers. I'm sorry this entry was so gross and personal.