8/27/2018

I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write this. I told you all that if anything exciting happened in my life, I'd make another entry.
Last time I wrote on this blog, I had started the process of early graduation.
I leave for college tomorrow.
Everything I've ever wanted in life is zooming towards me, at full force and ready to collide into the only life I've ever known.
I don't know what comes next. I've always loved reading the last sentence of a chapter before I finish, but I can't skip ahead on this one. The story is still being written.
Nevertheless, this last few weeks have been coming together like the final panels of a comic. It's reunions wrapped up in pretty bows and ribbons. It's gentle reminders of the people who helped create who I am.
I've lost bits and pieces of that person along the way. Nowadays, I'm held together with duct tape and super glue. I'm still missing pieces. Seeing all these people have given me new parts to take their place.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago, I've got new aspects and qualities I want to show the world now.
Maybe I'm better. I'm healthier and happier. I think it suits me.
I've taken this place for granted. I've taken these people for granted. I'd like to think I'm older and wiser, at least enough to realize these faults, and to not make the same mistakes that have tripped me up before.
It's been nice here. But I think I'm ready for something new. You cannot live an entire life in one little town. It'll start to burst at the seams and tear through the borders, flowing over the brims, flooding the worlds below. The toxicity of isolation is sickening.
I want to see what I can make of myself. What I can take from the world and what I can give back.
I'd stay if I could, but I really can't. It'd be a death sentence for me. To watch my deterioration isn't worth my staying here.
I've squeezed out all the life I could out of this town, this state, the entire south. There's grits and "please" and "thank you"s, and "bless your heart"s and cheek kisses. The tractors keeping me from getting to school on time and the street side cornfields. Hot, blueberry summer days and tomatoes fresh off the vine, skin and juice warmed by the sun. Slimy cow noses and chickens in people's front yards. It's things like this that have sculpted me into who I am, things I love with all my heart. Things I can't take with me.
My memories are wrapped up in a bow and tucked away in my suitcase, and I'm going to have to be content with that.
I'll miss a lot of the people here. And the dogs and the cats and the horses and the trees and the farms. More things I'm probably forgetting.
So thank you all. I hope I make you all proud. I'm sorry I have to leave.
I've got to see what that last chapter says. It's killing me.

Effective Immediately.

I haven't posted in a while. I have reason, though.

But I guess I'll address this in my usual update form:

1. I am a ball of stress and I have things to do
2. When I'm not at school, I'm riding. When I'm not at school or riding, I'm doing homework. When I'm not at school or riding or doing homework, I'm sitting quietly being my bar table in front of the vent, watching Buzzfeed videos.
3. I'm kind of being thrown into life a lot faster and more violently than originally expected. Mister is having his hocks fused, I really need a job, oh, yeah, I'm graduating next year. I wasn't planning to, but the opportunity slapped me in the face and it would have been stupid of me not to take it. When life opens a door for you, by god, you march through that door and slam it shut behind you.
4. This being said, I have to take online classes through the end of the year and then two more in the summer, and then double up on classes next year.
5. My medication is actually working, and for the first time in ages, I feel alive.

I'm going to add onto the meds thing. It's amazing, in like a weird, frustrating sort of way. My depression built a big stone wall around me to close me off from the outside world. And for a while, I didn't think I want to experience that big, scary, outside world. When I started my meds, I expected them to give me a wrecking ball to tear down that wall. But it came to me as a shock when I realized that meds couldn't give me that. They couldn't even give me a hammer and chisel. I didn't need that wall torn down; I just needed the motivation to climb over.
And god, the outside world is beautiful.

Even with the insanity going on, if you really squint, you'll find the good stuff. The parts you tell stories about. The reasons you get off the couch every day. The desire to let a hug last for more than a few seconds. The motivation to do something with your life.
The great Robin Williams once said, "I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be." I really believe in that. I don't know who the hell in their right mind decided to give me a body, but I'll be damned if I don't do something with it.

I'm applying to colleges this summer. I have my top picks. I know what I'm gonna major in. My grades and GPA have never been better. For the first time in forever, I feel invincible.

I have emotions. Sometimes, I'll start crying for no reason. I hate everything around me. But I also have new reason to love the people around me. Passionately, unconditionally, without rhyme or reason.

This all being said, I think I'm done with this blog. Maybe one day I'll start up a new one purely for comedic material.Maybe I'll even update AdoraBiteYourHeadOff every once in a while when something really good happens. But for now, this is where I leave you.

Thank you, to all of you. I love you.

Dude.

Okay I'm really fraking pissed right now.

So decidedly AdSense says my account is invalid because it doesn't like that so many people clicked the ads repeatedly. So it DISABLED MY ADSENSE ACCOUNT.
Yeah. I'm pissed. There was nothing in the rules about that. I never even got paid. WTF, AdSense? I don't like you. I'm pissed.

This is the first time I've been super mad in a really long time. This is nice. Emotions are kinda fun.

So, uh, don't click the ads. Because they're not there anymore.

Oh Snap 2017

Aw snap kids it's the New Year! I feel like this year can go one of two ways- either really terrible, or really, REALLY terrible. Rooting for the first one.

In the meantime, I can't really eat or drink anything because my meds make me super nauseous. It's a lot of fun. I want to vomit 24/7, and it kind of feels like I'm going to all the time. I'm definitely having a good time.

My New Years Resolution is to find out if babies have a new baby taste, similar to their new baby smell.
To be clear, I don't want to eat a baby. I would just like to lick one. Maybe ask a new mother if there is any taste.
I would also like to stop using Russian accents during class presentations. This year, I really want to focus on my German and Polish accents. Maybe French, too.

Admittedly, I haven't really posted anything because:
A) I've been trying to work on several different entries at once and it's very time consuming and I keep sort of pushing each one aside and start on a new one.
B) Idk I don't feel like it
C) Writers Block.

I dunno, guys. I'm sort of falling behind on the blog entry queue.

Happy New Years, anyway.

The Two-Year Grocery List

I don't exactly know what I'm doing right now, but uh, I've been thinking about college a lot.
I know what college I want to go to, I've just kind of been thinking about my future college experience in general.

I'm just sort of figuring out the things I need-slash-want during college.

Like, you know. A futon.

So, I'm just gonna make a list of things I totally want for college.

1. A Snuggie. It gets cold in Chicago. When I'm not in class or over at Second City, I'm gonna put a freaking Snuggie on and my roommate isn't gonna say anything about it.
2. A futon. It's like, the most convenient piece of furniture ever. Half couch, half bed. It's perfect.
3. A mini fridge. I need no reason.
4. Morton. I'm totally gonna bring his salty little butt with me to Chicago. He's growing on me.
5. Lots of blankets. All the blankets. Every single one. It gets so cold up there.
6. A 3ft Dog of Gozer statue. Yeah. You can buy that.
7.  Closing trashcan. I'm not having any of that roach foolishness.
8. Power strips. I need no reason.
9. A million zillion legal pads. You can't always trust Office Word.
10. Lots of underwear, because I'm not a college student, but I still hate doing laundry.
11. Posters! Specifically Ghostbusters.
12. Lots of mugs. Good mugs, not bad mugs.
13. Thermoses. It seems like a convenient way to store stolen food.
14. A fan. I like to be cold constantly, so I can use more blankets.
15. Maybe a small TV with a DVD player. Netflix doesn't have everything. Or at least, like, a baby projector.
16. Coffee machine. I'm not paying for a single cup of coffee.
17. Pop-up tent bed. They exist. And I want one.

I think that's it. I mean, I have 2 more years to gather up all of this. I'll figure it out.

My EYES

I've had three, count 'em, THREE doctor appointments today.
First with a normal doctor, second with my therapist, third with the eye guy.

Now my arm hurts from my flu shot and my eyes are dilated and I'm sitting in the dark wearing these ugly little sunglasses. Everything is so bright. And awful. And I'm just sort of squinting at everything. This is terrible.

I also got started on antidepressants, which is interesting I guess? They haven't kicked in yet. They have lots of terrifying side effects, too. Like increase of appetite, decrease of appetite, mood swings, migraines, liver problems, and suicidal thoughts. You know. Just to name a few. I might end up dying before my first month on it.

I dunno. Between the meds and the running around and the dilated pupils, I kinda just want to sleep. I just want to sleep in and like, not look at anything. That would be great.

Okay, this one is done.

Chrimas.

So uh, I guess all those reasons I need a car paid off, because I got a car this morning.

It's my dead great-aunt's 2001 Honda Civic.

And it is so. Freaking. Cool. I'm gonna tear up the town with this thing. Going 5 miles under the speed limit.

Now I just have to buy some bumper stickers and CDs. This is so cool I'm still a little in shock. We're gonna go on so many cool adventures. I'm gonna eat so many burritos in this car.

I've been driving it around all morning, and it has really great gas mileage, actually. It's great.
God I am totally going to eat so many burritos in this car.

Maybe I'll go on cool road trips. That would be neat. I like road trips. I just need someone to road trip with. You can't go on road trips alone.

I can't officially drive it by myself until later this week, but I think I'm okay with that. I really just needed a car.

I did name my car, of course. Because I name everything. Her name is Cita. Because it was my great-aunt Cita's car. And every time you turn on the A/C you can smell her old perfume.

This all being said, I'm pumped to have the holidays be over. Now I get to sit on the couch, eating the chocolate currently surrounding me. And you know. Drive my car. My car. My. Car. I like saying that.

So Happy Holidays, kiddos. From me and Cita.