I am so tired

I spent the night with my friend Vivienne last night.
That's about all there is to say on the matter. Today is where it got fun.
I use the term "fun" very loosely. The first half of the day was spent at a car dealership waiting on her car to get its oil changed (which apparently takes two hours), I stayed at her house by myself. We then proceeded to the barn.

I hopped on Mister, who was decidedly lame yesterday, and tried to figure out if he would work out of his lameness, which he did. We did some touch-ups on our dressage test for the weekend. It went well.
Viv, her friend Grace, and I all decided to get our toes done because Grace has a wedding to go to this weekend.
Then the car didn't start. The thing had spent two hours being worked on, and now it didn't even work.
After a long call with the service people, which mostly consisted of "um, well", and one hung-up, we were at a loss.

Long story short, we got our nails done anyway. I dunno, I was planning on writing more but I am so exhausted it's not even funny anymore. I have a CT and cross country training this weekend, but all I want right now is sleep.

Cheers

Brothers

A little more than three years ago, I rode this super awesome Irish Draught named Dicey. He was an ex-foxhunter-turned-lesson horse out at my barn. I met him on my first day and fell completely head over heels.

He was fantastic. At the time, I was, while experienced, still very much a squirrelly rider and Dicey did a fantastic job of taking care of me.  I didn't jump much before I joined the barn I'm at now, so anything over 18" was a huge feat for me. Dicey made sure I wasn't going anywhere.

I also didn't show until I got to my barn, so lead me through my first show as well.

We didn't do well, but the experience was great and he gave me the biggest confidence boost ever. He partnered with me to my second show, as well.

He wasn't the easiest ride, myself and my instructor's boyfriend being his most frequent flyers, and occasionally Liz's older sister. He had a habit of getting heavy in your hands and at one point I was told he would take off if you weren't secure enough to control him and bring him back down. He also had a bit of a breathing problem, but I honestly didn't care. He was my best friend.

One cold December afternoon, I came home and put on my boots to go ride. My dad stopped me at the door frame. He was crying.

"Ava, Dicey is dead."

I've never taken a death worse than I did in that moment. My first instinct was to scream. I screamed bloody murder. I've never cried more than I did in that moment.

My life was over. I came out to say goodbye before they buried him. I hyperventilated before I could reach him. After my dad and my instructor picked me up and brought me over to him, I cried over him for hours on end. 

Why am I talking about this? Because he came up today. My instructor and I were driving past Mister in the Kubota when she nudged me and said:

"Mister sure does look like Dicey nowadays. Acts like him, too."

A freezed a little bit. I don't talk about Dicey a whole lot anymore. It feels funny to bring him up in conversation. But I gathered my bearings back up and said, "Yeah, yeah he does doesn't he?"

It didn't cross me again until I went to go get him. And I thought wow, they really do look alike.

Same big blaze going down their faces, big pink noses, flat croups, long legs, clunker hooves, feathery fetlocks, almost the same personality.

Almost.

Mister has more of a "haha mom look how funny it would be if I did this" or "Mom my face is itchy you have to scratch it right now", while Dicey was a "Small child! How are you? Would you like a hand lick? I think you would."

Mister is also a lot more athletic than Dicey ever was, even with his soundness issues. 

Regardless, they're my boys and I love them. Coughcougheventhoughoneisdeadcoughcough. There's a song by the Avett Brothers with the lyrics: 

"I wonder which brother is better

Which one our parents loved the most
I sure did get in lots of trouble
They seemed to let the other go
A tear fell from my father's eye
I wondered what my dad would say
He said, 'I love you and I'm proud of you both,
In so many different ways'"

I think that's how I feel about the both of them. I wasn't as hard on Dicey as I am on Mister, because I expect so much more from Mister, simply because he's so much younger and he hasn't even finished his prime years yet. 

I dunno, maybe one day when Dicey's anniversary death rolls around I'll write something worthwhile. 

Meanwhile, cheers!

Impulse

I am an eBay impulse buyer.
I've always had quite the interest in Breyer customizing and painting, but I've never really done anything about it. Until about five minutes ago.

I put this in my cart and checked out upon five minutes of seeing the listing.

When I was really young, I collected as many models as I could get my hands on, even trying my hand at painting my own models.

I was seven, cut me some slack.

But the Gem Twist/original Snowman model always eluded me. I could either never find it or never afford it. Even then, I was never totally happy with the original finish anyway.
So now is my chance to make a finish that I actually like.

And, because he inspires my every action, the paint job will be modeled after Mister.

I mean, he has some really cool markings and he's simple enough for me to start out with. Maybe if I like what I do, I'll throw it in a live show. The possibilities are endless if I do it right.

So I went on Breyer to see if they had a 360 view of the model so I could see what I needed to re-sculpt. I found the Sapphire model and saw a few problem areas, but nothing overwhelmingly problematic. Maybe a hindquarter/the addition of some all-too-subtle extremities re-sculpt and some repositioning to the headset, and maybe even adding a bit to the crest. I'm definitely adding feathering to his fetlocks and giving him a new mane. 

I might end up killing myself over this project. Don't rule out that possibility.

Anyway, I'll post again after I come back from riding. 

Cheers!

Annd I'm Back.

I just got home from vacation. Thank god.
The condo we own is currently being worked on, so this was my view:

I think I might actually need a vacation from my vacation. I tried to preoccupy myself with reading, but our place was so musty from construction that I couldn't breathe out of my nose so I would give up mid-way through.

Anyway, that being said, we only stayed one full day.

But we did go to a super fancy restaurant. 

And when I say fancy, I mean like little food on fancy plates and fancy presentation fancy.

The best part? We got a PRIVATE DINING ROOM.

IT WAS SO AWESOME. LIKE AHHHHHHHH.

THERE WAS ALSO A LAVENDER INFUSED CREME BRULEE AND IT WAS HEAVEN. ALSO THE BATHROOMS HAD FREE NICE SMELLING LOTIONS. I ALSO ATE CRISPY PIG EARS.

Anyway, I proceeded to go home and watch Netflix, when something awful happened.

I reached the end of Twin Peaks.

The final episode, right down to the final scene. I cried. And maybe sorta screamed. Maybe a lot. I might have also drawn a lot of little pictures of Agent Cooper and Sheriff Truman. They were not casual pictures. They were either very sad or very cuddly. Nothing in between.

I have also eaten a lot of chocolate in the past hour. I might die. I'm starting on another.

Meanwhile, I have to get ready for a combined test and it has yet to stop raining. This is going to be a long spring break.

In the meantime, cheers!

Wifi

I leave out to the beach tomorrow for the weekend.
Wanna know what that means?
I have to shave my legs. Both of them. Calf, leg, AND knee.

Anyway, I also have a show next weekend so I feel like I'm gonna be super underprepared.
Also, I can't guarantee an entry every day this weekend because the condo wifi is really shoddy.

Cheers

Milkshakes

We've had a breakthrough in the saddle search. I tried on a friend's Annice M. Toulouse and it fit really well. Mister also felt really good, which is fantastic and I'm happy.

Liz and I also went on another adventure! Her nana let her drive today so we took advantage of the opportunity and went to get ice cream after we rode. I thought I knew where to go but we ended up getting lost and we had to settle for milkshakes at Chicfila or whatever it's called. I don't actually like Chicfila so I'm not going to bother with spelling.

Also, when we were headed to my house, we noticed a fender bender on the side of the road. I watched the police walk over to the driver seat only FOR A LITTLE KID TO POP OUT. A LITTLE KID HAD BEEN DRIVING THIS FREAKIN CAR. I mean, I feel bad he had to wreck the car but oh my god.

That's it.
Cheers!

Dud

Yeah no I have nothing to write about.

Cheers.

Education

Nothing bugs me more than a teacher who passes you a worksheet and says "here's what you missed teacher yourself the material online lol lol".
Of course, my mind goes like this:
NO. NO. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS EDUCATIONAL LEARNING ACTIVITY. I WOULD NOT BOTHER TO LEARN THIS CRAP ON MY OWN YOU HAVE TO MANDATE THIS POINTLESS EDUCATION UPON ME OR ELSE I DO NOT CARE AND I WILL GET VERY DISTRACTED AND I WILL NOT DO IT EVER. YOU ARE THE EDUCATOR I AM NOT THE EDUCATOR YOU HAVE TO EDUCATE ME. I AM SUCH A GOOD PERSON WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME I HAVE AN IQ OF 160 AND I GIVE HORSEYS KISSES YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME I AM SUCH A GOOD PERSON DANG IT TEACHER GET OVER HERE AND EDUCATE ME.

Anyway, I jammed my knee jumping over a ditch and I am very unhappy because I am in pain :).

Also why can't teenagers and adults make Build-a-Bears? I really want to make a Build-a-Bear. Screw it, when I go to the beach next weekend, I'm marching down to the nearest Build-a-Bear and making myself a bear. I'll bring my uncle, too. He's a cop. Also Liz might be coming so I'll force her to make one.

That's what's up.
Cheers!

Squirrel

It's story time because this story doesn't need pictures!

Okay so once upon a time (like, four months ago) I had a little pit bull named Swindle. She was pretty cool but she was slightly food aggressive and peed a lot.

I drew a picture anyway.

Okay, so one day we noticed that she had something very small in her mouth, and we were like "we don't give our dogs small things what could this be" and my mother sent me to go pry out whatever she had captured.

So I reach my hand in her NASTY FACE and pulled out something that looked like this:

A MUTILATED BABY SQUIRREL

This didn't phase me much because I hate squirrels, but regardless this little thing was weird and sticky and I didn't want it around. I took it out to the front yard to dispose of it, when this thing FREAKING MOVED. IT WASN'T DEAD. IT WAS MISSING HALF ITS SKIN AND IT WAS BREATHING.

So I took it to the bathroom and washed it up.

I also probably made it worse.

(Also it had a squirrel penis? Ew?)

Even if I had just doomed this small creature, I was determined to save it. Slathering ointments and soaps onto its injuries, I called up a rodent expert from my barn and she told me to bring it over. 

I shoved it into a wash cloth and headed over to her house, the squirrel still breathing.

I passed the squirrel over to her, confident that this stupid rodent would live. She looked at it for two seconds and gave it back to me.

"Yea no this thing is dead Ava."

Well darn. It had been breathing the entire way over and then decided to die the second it had a chance to live. 

And then, of course, we I got home it started breathing again so we had to find away to kill it.

I went back home and my mother told me to give it to Moby to see if he would kill it off. 

He took it ever so gently and walked out into the yard a few paces, and then turned and looked at us.

Y'all are going to hell.

Needless to say, he walked back up to us, set the squirrel in front of us, stared at us like we were the spawn of satan and walked away.

We ended up giving it back to Swindle, who slaughtered it mercilessly right in front of me.

The end I guess?

Cheers!

Slob

If this blog gets super popular, I'm adding a YouTube channel along with it.
Why? Because maybe if I get super popular, I'll get invited to Good Mythical Morning with Rhett and Link.
Why am I talking about this?
Because I spent all day in my jammies watching GMM and reading about unsolved murders, that's why.
Now I'm watching Dateline waiting for SNL. I have done literally nothing all day. I've also eaten nothing but pure junk. Up until dinner when I microwaved a single spaghetti dinner, I had eaten nothing but bagels, honeydew, and candy. I'm never going to be able to survive on my own.
And I just ate a frozen pudding cup and I regret it.

The beginning of spring break is next week, wanna know what that means?
DRUGS, SEX, AND ALCOH-
No I'm kidding. I have like, two friends I would never be able to pull that off. Spring break just means I can be at the barn from the crack of dawn until midnight. It's like summer, but like, a trial summer? Week long trial. And then summer rolls around for you to purchase it and you do, and you're really really enjoying summer, and then a few months later, it gets recalled and it has to be sent back. And then, as compensation, you get school, and you can't send school back. You're just stuck with it.
And that is my view on the education system in the terms of an eBay product you bought offline.

That is all.
Cheers!

Close

I don't do close talkers.
Just, just no. No.

That's it. That's my day.
Cheers.

Dear Future Dog

I learned something out of being sick.
Whenever you have no motivation to do anything, and you wanna curl up and die instead of doing homework or paperwork or something else, think about your future dog. Because when life no longer has meaning, think about how much your future dog is gonna love you. Think about how they're gonna wag their tail so hard they start breaking stuff every time you come home. Think about all the cool trick you can teach them. Think about the movie nights on the couch, snuggled up to your wonderful future dog. Your future is gonna be great, no matter what, because your future dog is gonna be there. They're gonna be any breed, any color, any age, and gender, and you're gonna name them something cool.
Like my future dog is gonna be a pit bull named Meatball, and we're gonna go on cool adventures, and that makes me so excited about my future.
I'd write more, but I have homework to do and I have to provide for my future dog somehow.
Cheers from Meatball!

Blegh

There is absolutely no upside to being sick. I've looked at it from every possible angle.
But of course, I woke up in the middle of the night last night unable to swallow. After suffering through school I came straight home and flopped myself on the couch and haven't moved since.
There's not a whole lot I hate more than being sick. I hate being on the couch for so long, I hate the sore throats, I hate the headaches, I hate missing school, I hate it all.

I'd write more but the nyquil is kicking in and I'm about to pass out watching Twin Peaks.
Cheers.

Netflix

Wow! I haven't posted in a whole day! I totally haven't been freaking out over that! Heck no I haven't!

But yeah. I was too busy watching Netflix yesterday to post. Also I don't know people are like "lol i dont do homework i do netflix lol lol" and somehow still pass all of their classes??? Like I tried that and I failed??? Someone is lying here.

Anyway, I had a conversation with Mister's first owners and I learned a lot! Like, he got the scar on his upper arm from a fence accident, and he's always been really squirrelly, annnddd that's all I learned.

Speaking of squirrels, I have another story to tell, but I'm saving that for another day because it requires pictures.

Cheers!

New

Saddles are officially the bane of my existence. Mister is so broad shouldered it's so hard to fit a saddle to him and I hate life because of it. There might be a new saddle somewhere in the near future.
Also the show "New Girl" is fantastic, but by the way.
I'm also currently trying to grow out my undercut, and it's awful. Dear god it is awful.
I also got super sunburned and I can't move my arms.
That's my life right now.
Cheers.

Stories

Every once in awhile, when I'm feeling down, I'll read the Snowman story.
While I don't actually have the book "Eighty-Dollar Champion", I'll gather up little tid-bits of information about the story, and I'll read it until I feel a little bit better.
The story itself is a fantastic, real-life twist on the Cinderella/underdog story, ten out of ten, so on and so on.
But when I was little, I imagined myself being at about where Henry deLeyer was at the peak of Snowman and his success. Buying a slaughter-bound horse off the trailer for dirt cheap, training it myself, and making something great out of it.

And, of course, here I am. With an almost-crippled horse that I only had to pay one dollar for. Past me would be kicking present me in the shins right now.

But even though this isn't where I wanted to be eight years ago, it's where I'm happy. And before Mister is unsound, maybe we'll do something really cool. Maybe he'll be the One-Dollar Champion.

My point is, I'm not a big time trainer who snagged a warmblood off the trailer. I'm not a blue ribbon rider who cleans up at every show. Mister isn't the the $10k competitor he use to be, and he never will be. He's also never going to jump 7'2". Not because I think he won't, but because I would never let him, even if he could.

But I think I'm okay with that.

Cheers.

Grump

I'm convinced that I'm just a big ball of grumpiness. That is my purpose. To be grumpy.
That's it. That is literally it. Three sentences is all I have to offer today.
Cheers.

Super Tired.

It's been a really long day. Like, sitting on the couch, dramatically staring off into the distance while I'm listening to Bon Iver and Coldplay.
I'm just really tired. I want to go home, but, physically, I am home.
Cheers.

Ink

I really like where I am right now.
Not experience wise, because I can always learn more, but the situation I'm in right now is really pleasant.

I've jumped from situation to situation as a kid a lot. From having friends to be beaten and bullied. From knowing exactly what I want to do with my life to wishing my life would hurry up and be over with.
Some of these variable aren't going anywhere. Some days, I'm going to be cussed out and made fun of. Some days, I'm going to wish I could shrivel up and disappear, but when you have something really steady and constant going, it's like a reminder to keep going. It's like when someone takes a pen and writes on your hand. Maybe that someone is your parents, or grandparents, or friend, or sibling, or your favorite cat, or maybe that someone has to be you. You'll read the writing on your hand, you'll take a big, deep breath, and you'll read it again.

"Keep going."

And maybe the writing on your hand doesn't say that directly. Maybe it says "call me when you're finished" or "text me what you want for dinner" or "feed the cat" or your crush's number, or a simple "we need to catch up" or really anything. It's a message that when skimmed over means little to nothing. But when it's really read, it reads "keep going". Because when you don't know what happens or what to do next, you have that little note. It tells you what happens next, even if it insures that security for mere moments, it's still there. The undertone is that your future is still out there. You have to keep going to fulfill that message.
Right now, and if that makes any sense, my hand reads, in baby blue and light pink ink:

"I need you right now. My face is very itchy and I need you to itch my face."

It's sloppily written and it runs off to the back of my hand. I would explain the message and what it means, but it literally means that the writer's face is very itchy and he needs to rub his face on my entire body.

The author of this message is my horse, Mister, by the way.

Actually, this entire entry is dedicated to Mister.

But that's written on my hand because Mister needs me right now. He doesn't have any fingers, so he can't scratch his big face himself, so I have to go out to the barn and let him rub his face on the entirety of my body. At the end of the day, I'm covered in little, teensy hairs.

My point is, Mister is insuring that stability in my life for a while. He's going to keep writing sloppy notes on my hand to remind me that he is, infact, a very needy drama queen that I have to devote all of my free time to. Scratch that, I want to devote all my free time to him.

So, I ended the lease. That chapter of my life is over and it should have been done with a long time ago.


Instead, I'm signing ownership papers.

Welcome to the family, Mister. I'll get you more pens. Just as long as you keep writing.

Not cheers.

Did you know that forensic psychology camps are a thing?
Did you know that forensic psychology camps are made for super rich people?
Did you know that I want to go into forensic psychology when I'm older?
Did you know that I'm not rich?

These are all very true facts.

Anyway, I've been like, really emotional all day and I really wanna curl up on the couch and watch Twin Peaks and cry but I'm not going to let myself do that last part.
I'm just sad and grumpy and stuff. Like wow I wanna punch someone and cry all at the same time. Dang, what a feeling.

I'd tell you all cheers, but if I can't be happy, no one gets to be happy.

So, not cheers.

Anti-cheers.

A Summary

Liz, Vivienne, Chrissy, and I went to go look at a horse today for Liz.

I'm still exhausted and I have a lot of homework to finish up, so I'm going to sum this up the best I can.

-Starbucks' version of butterbeer
-Can we park here? We're parking here.
-Yay food I'm so ready to tell the lady my order
-"Yes hi wrap chicken please"
-Excuse me while I never show my face in public ever again.
-Rave party in the car
-Holy crap we're gonna hit that bird
-Haha this is great!
-Why is that huge truck coming at us?
-WHY is that huge truck coming AT US
-HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHY IS THAT TRUCK COMING AT US
-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
-Oh okay it swerved off we're good
-Yay more rave parties in the car
-Dude there's a stop sign it means to stop
-Ew Trump sign
-Annd we have to pick Chrissy up
-Oh hey a dog
-Yay Chrissy
-Yes Chrissy, the car is in reverse.
-Yes Chrissy, the break is off.
-Ooh! Another dog!
-Go home dog!
-Maybe if we drive up this driveway the dog will follow us.
-Holy crap that's a scary house dear god someone is going to come out and shoot us.
-Yes this is the dog's home because he is now chasing our car trying to rip our faces off.
-RAVE PARTY
-Wow look at that
-Liz you can't look you're driving focus on the road
-Wow that is just so gorgeous
-Liz focus on the road
-Guys get a load of that
-Liz you can't lo-
-*Gets punched in the arm*
-Wow this is sketchy
-Ooh okay this is fine. We're here.
-Ooh pretty pony!
-Omg that mini looks like Lil' Sebastian from Parks and Rec
-Yay Liz is riding the pony!
-Well that went well.
-Yay we're bring pony home!
-I am naming this mini Lil' Sebastian no one can stop me
-Back in the car!
-Why are we talking when we could be jamming?
-I gotta peeeeeee
-What happens if you cuss at Siri?
-"Siri, where the **** is the nearest gas station"
-*Gets phone taken away*
-Annd we're driving in the wrong direction
-Chrissy gets a phone call!
-And a horse back at the barn is hurt. Okay Liz, pick up the pace.
-Yay! Gas station!
-Where's the bathroom key
-*Is handed a key tied to a dirty milk jug and is pointed to the back of the store into a smelly room*
-What's Surge?
-Can I have one?
-Buys chocolate and Dr Pepper instead
-Chrissy gets another phone call!
-A different horse has a swollen fetlock. Little bit faster, Liz.
-Chrissy gets another phone call!
-Another horse is hurt! FLOOR IT, LIZ.
-Jam session!
-*Puts a chocolate square into Liz's mouth*
-And we are officially going 71 mph on a 55 road.
-Yes Chrissy, Liz has driven on an interstate before
-Screw over the GPS, Chrissy is the new GPS.
-How the heck did we get home so fast
-Chrissy needs to be programmed into all phones.
-Yay we're home
-Ew I got chocolate on my hands

Annd back to my homework.

Cheers!

Bugles

I'm back from the horse show, eating bugles and watching Twin Peaks on my couch in the dark.

Also, holy crap, bugles are fantastic. I haven't eaten them since I was really little, and I understand why I liked them so much now.

I would write more but I'm kinda exhausted and I really just wanna watch Twin Peaks right now.

Cheers.

Happy.

So the beginning of a VERY big show season starts tomorrow morning, so instead of getting ready, I'm sitting on the couch watching Ghostbusters. Nothing excites me quite like four parapsychologists chasing ghosts.
And, of course, Egon. He makes me happy. Actually, all of them make me really happy.

Wanna know what makes me even happier?
GHOSTBUSTERS 3. GHOSTBUSTERS 3 MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.
Wanna know what makes me even happier than Ghostbusters 3?
KATE MCKINNON BEING IN GHOSTBUSTERS 3. KATE MCKINNON BEING IN GHOSTBUSTERS 3 MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.

So yea. Again, because my life just won't work, I can't finish my story entry until my life gets it together.
Cheers.

Filler.

I actually had a funny post today, but my email isn't working, so you all have to wait for tomorrow.
Cheers.

Oh hey my toe is bleeding

Yep.

I watched a kid throw his bookbag at his friend's chromebook because there was an earwig bug on the keyboard today.

That is all.
Cheers.

48 Hours

The last 48 hours has been hectic. I am so emotionally and mentally and physically drained, and I can't even begin to imagine how Liz feels. Before I get on any other topic today, I feel like there are some things I need to prioritize before my sleep deprived brain gets distracted.

First off, I want to give a big thanks to everyone who has supported Liz in the last 48 hours. Losing a horse sucks butt, and I am positive having so many good thoughts and sympathies has to such a fantastic security net right now.

Next, I want to give a big thanks to anyone who supports Liz in the next days/months/years/etc. I know she has already thanked everyone who has sent good wishes her way, but as her friend I'd like to thank everyone as well, simply because it is truly amazing to see so many people who are so very similar and yet so very different all come together at once just to support one person, and even though the circumstances are tragic and awful, I am so glad that one person they're supporting is Liz because she is literally the best person I have ever met in my entire life, and it has been a joy to watch Liz and Uma's bond and partnership grow over the three and a half years I've known the both of them.

*Takes a deep, overdramatic breath because that last sentence was REALLY long, and if I had verbally said that I probably wouldn't stop to take a breath*

Third: Wow, we reached over 200 pageviews in one day yesterday. Again, under unwanted circumstances, but I'm happy Liz saw my entry about Uma, but I am amazed she shared it and I'm honestly so very honored that so many people liked it.


Check, check, and check. My gratuity has been prioritized and addressed, the rest of my hundreds of thousands of thank yous are quiet, mental, and/or implied. I'm going to go pretend to sleep, but in reality, I'm going to go stare at my ceiling.
Cheers