Okay

I've come to the shocking realization that I'm just not a likeable person.
Also I had so many different ideas for this entry, and that's how I decide to start it.
Good job, Ava.

Anyway, nothing hurts worse than noticing that someone is either
A) slowing losing interest in you
B) never had interest in you anyway.
Especially if you like the person.

God I'm mentally trying to address fifty different problems at once to a viewership of 14 people.

Okay, I'm trying this again.

I've realized that I'm not living for anything. Sure, I have hopes and dreams and aspirations, but they're not anything serious or actually reachable.
I'm trying to say that I'm nothing and no one to so many people. I'm saying that I've worked so hard for so many things, yet fall every time.
You start to wonder if it's worth it.
When you put your blood, sweat, and tears into everything you love, only to come back fruitless, you wonder why you're still trying. The second you think you might come out on top, you get shoved back down. I would say I've always been in second place, but I think I'm more like fourth or fifth.

I'm a mess.
I'm a big, broken mess.

I would say I'm okay with being broken, but I'm really not. I'm sick of it.
I've tried everything. I'm still broken.

This is where I am supposed to quit.

But you know what? If I'm going to be broken, I'm going to be the best at being broken. Or at least number two. Because red ribbons are pretty, and if not, yellow is okay too.
Or maybe no ribbon at all. If I'm going to be broken, I don't need something tangible to glorify my problems.
Why quit now? I could go down in history for being terrible.
I'll be in your kids' history books for not having the strength to put on a pair of pants. And I'm fine with that, as long as your snotty future kids don't deface my picture.

One time, Liz brought me to a church service, and I learned nothing.
Except one line that stuck with me.

"It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay that way."

He was kind of wrong.
It's okay to not be okay, even if you have to stay that way.
If being "not okay" helps you cope with your issues, then hell, keep being not okay.

I'm just going to keep not being okay. And I'm okay with that.


Cheers.